The Irony of Hard Work - Last Days of Preceptorship

After working a 12 hour shift and feeling so tired that I could barely keep my head up, I find that I cannot sleep at night.  My mind is filled with all the things I could have done or should have done, but what I could not do because I didn't have the time or skill yet.  

One client praised me as the "shining light" in his hospital stay and said such wonderful things about what I have done for him and what I might be in the future, but I am left feeling empty because of all the things I wished I could have done better for him.  I suppose such is the lot of a nurse at times.  I want to do good, and I have done good... but there is always more good to be done.

As I count down the last days of my preceptorship, I find that I have come far from when I first started this semester.  I struggled every step of this placement.  Some days I hated going to work or dreaded it.  I was always surprised when special moments made the day worthwhile, or when I learned new skills I had never dreamed of.  

I got better at doing things I wasn't good at at first too.  I improved.

Some days I was doing nursing tasks so absurdly horrid that I could not believe that I used to sit in an office in front of a computer as my daily job.  But someone had to do the job, and I had volunteered to do it.

I think it's cliche, but I still find nursing to be meaningful and worthwhile.  I have to clean poop, help people pee, change diapers, and deal with a lot of yucky stuff, but it's my job.  My job is to help people feel dignified as they go through some of the most embarrassing moments of their life.  What I do does not go unnoticed.  The clients have so much to say about what I do for them and what a difference I make and it's a funny feeling.  I guess it feels pretty good.

But when I'm home, and I think about my day, there is so much more I want to do.  It makes it hard to sleep.  Is it ambition?  I don't think so.  I don't know what it is.  Worry?  Fear?  Guilt?  

I think I want to do an A+ job, but it's really not achievable.  I had 5 patients to care for.  There was too much to do.  I really could not do everything everyone wanted or even needed at times.  I try though.  I really do.  

And so the night passes...

Perhaps I need to remember this?

Or maybe this?

Uh huh... time to go to sleep  :)

Good night.