Over the Rainbow Bridge

It's hard to have no hedgehog.

Ever since Poggles passed away, it is hard passing by his cage every day.  His linens are cleaned and I have piled them and all his belongings inside the cage.  I guess you could say the cage is full, but it seems emptier than it has ever been before to me.

I find it hard to go outside to look at his grave.  It is something I dread.  I cannot believe that my little friend is outside.  He was always inside before.  I think about how it must be cold outside.  When it rains, I think about how he is getting all wet.  It makes my heart break.  It does not seem right.  I want him inside where it is warm and dry.

I don't want to talk about how I miss my hedgehog to other people.  I don't think they will understand.  People say that it is okay to lose a pet, that it only matters and is irreplaceable when it is a person that is gone.  They are wrong though.  It hurts just as much to lose a pet.  In some ways, it hurts more.  Your pet is the perfect friend when you are sad, and now that perfect friend is gone when you need them most.  How do you tell your perfect friend that you miss them when they are dead?

Other people around me tell me about their problems and I am only half-listening.  I am sorry to say that I don't care right now.  I am sorry to say that I am going to be the worst friend ever in the next while.  Please understand.  I just need some time to grieve.  I just want to think about Poggles.

So please be patient with me for a little while.  I have lost a little friend that meant a lot to me, and I don't think I will be okay for now.  I just want to cry for a little while.

xoxo

Here Lies Poggy

Today marks the end of three and a half beautiful years with Poggles.  He passed away early morning. 

 He did not heal properly after the foot injury and the wound kept getting worse.  Despite our best efforts, he was suffering.  He could not walk anymore, he was weak, and he lost weight.  I fed him with a spoon for his last two days and he ate readily.  I had hope that he would recover.  

 Last night he appeared to be in pain or to be having seizures.  I gave him one last dose of pain medication and he settled down.  He licked towards me over and over again like he was thankful or giving me kisses and then settled down looking at me from the opening in his pouch.  

This morning, he was still in the same position looking out.  He didn't answer when I called.  He wasn't alive anymore.  I cried and cried all day long and wondered about all the things I might have done for him to save him.  

In the end, I am just thankful that he waited for me and that I was with him in his last moments.  He was a very good hedgehog and the best study buddy ever.  He was a great source of comfort to me all throughout nursing school.  

I wrapped him in thick paper towel and made him a nice biodegradable coffin out of layers of newspaper.  

Coincidentally, it says, "above & beyond" on the lid.  I thought that was kind of nice.  Like he's gone to heaven or somewhere in the sky.  I can't explain the red seedless grapes though.

We buried him in a lovely plot of the garden where English Mint and Lemon Balm grows.  I think he would have liked the smell.  My sweetheart sang a song and I said a speech for him.  We gathered little flowers from my garden and put them all about his grave.

Rest in peace, my little hedgehog.  I will love you and miss you always.  You will forever be in my heart.  Good bye, Master Pogglebee.

Violence In The Fish Tank

You would think that having a big aquarium full of fish would be peaceful, but it's actually quite the "Nature Of Things" episode each day. What's happened lately?

Let's count the tragedies...First, an entire goldfish got eaten by the large male crayfish. The crayfish used to be a tiny bugger, but he's a big boy now and he likes sushi. Second, the crayfish went for the sister next. She has a red bruise where he jabbed her face under her eye and her tail fins are all ripped up and chewed on. However, she managed to get away so we put her in the fish breeder where she'll be safe up at the top. We can also feed her antibiotic food exclusively so she has time to heal.

Poor gal.
After all his escapades, we decided to take some action. The crayfish now has elastic bands on his claws. Where did I get such tiny elastic bands? From my braces, of course! Orthodontic elastic bands are strong and tiny. Perfect for keeping naughty, sushi-lovin' crayfish in check.

Don't worry, he still has lots of little, untied claws with which to shove food into his mouth. Plus, he has to be re-tied every time he sheds his exoskeleton to grow.Oh, and proof that getting his claws tied isn't enough? The Singapore Flower Shrimp (which is a pretty awesome red shrimp with fan-like hands) walked into the crayfish den last night. By the time my sister discovered what had happened, the head of the Singapore Flower Shrimp was already ripped off.

Sigh.
So today there are only little bits of red shell scattered about. I am very sad about losing my red shrimp. She was really lovely to behold. She might have been sick, and the walk into the dragon's den may have been a suicidal march, but it still sucks to lose a favourite aquarium friend.
Of course the crayfish is not hungry today. He is ignoring any food that falls from the heavens. Dastardly fellow...

Michael Jackson

Michael, Michael,
You were a star.
You danced in backward strides,
Drew images of horror with your feet,
Sang songs of denial,
Didn't care if girls were black or white, even if you thought
it mattered for you.
Or were you sick?

You died.
You lay there unmoving,
and people cried.
They mourned a saviour,
A King of Pop,
Someone they danced with, and sang with, and saw
on news, on magazines,
fall.

One day a black child,
A later day a black man,
with one white glove,
an artificial nose,
and a dream
to blur the lines of colour.

Oh, Blanket,
Do you miss him?
Oh Lisa,
how you cry.
The nations,
we mourn.

Listen to his songs,
Remember his legend,
and wonder
That such a man
did live, and sing, and die.

--Marie Tai

*******************************

"Michael Jackson is dead!" announced a co-worker.
"No, that's just the name of a drink." another replied.
"Oh." And minutes later, the first returned with more information. "No, he's really dead. It's on CNN."
"No way!"

And everyone hurried to Google the question of whether the King of Pop had indeed died. None of us could believe it when we discovered the truth. And Farrah Fawcett was dead too on the same day. It was tragical news.

I entered an elevator and a stranger asked me, "Did you hear the news about Michael Jackson?" The news of his death brought people together. Everyone knew who Michael Jackson was. He was famous. He was the originator of the moon walk, of famous black men painting themselves white, and of naming children Blanket. There were the child molestation allegations, the strange antics, and the failed plastic surgeries. He was everyone's favourite joke, and yet we loved his music. He was part of our shared history.

I'm sad that Michael Jackson has passed on. I wish his family and friends the best, and know that he will be remembered forever. His songs play on, and his reputation as a musical prodigy precedes him.

Rest in peace, Michael. Thank you for your gift of music to the world.

Good-bye, Tiggy. I will miss you.

Tiggy passed away, just a few minutes ago.

He started swimming upside down and gulping ferociously late afternoon, and we already feared the worst. When his gulping slowed down a few minutes ago, I thought he was getting better. I sat down to watch him and to coo at him, trying to cheer him up. He made a few motions like he was trying to eat (like usual when he sees us) so I felt kind of happy, thinking he was okay. But his mouth soon stopped moving, and his fins started an unusual light, erratic twitching. When the light shaking stopped, his eyes, usually actively moving, didn't move anymore. He slowly floated in the water, at peace at last, but so forlorn.

"Good-bye, Tiggy." I had said when the shaking started. "I love you." I knew it was the last part of his journey.

I will miss Tiggy very much. He was such a fun, interactive fish - always coming to look at me when I came by, curious about my camera and whether I had something tasty for him to eat. He was always hungry. His googly eyes were so bright and alive, and his colours were so vivid.

I'll miss my little photo hog. I hope there's lots of yummy food for him in Fish Heaven. Rest in peace, Tiggy.

Happy Friday!

I'm so glad this week is over. It's been a rough one, what with the death of my friend's mother. I dreaded going to work every day as it meant putting on a brave face and pretending everything was okay. Meanwhile, my friend was busy planning funeral arrangements and grieving. I really wanted to be there with him instead. It felt wrong to be apart from him when he is going through such a difficult time in his life. It seemed like I was being a very bad friend.

There was not much to be done, however, as it was his family's wish that the funeral and following ceremonies be as private as possible. Who was I to intrude on their family's private suffering? I could not force that upon them.

Thus it was that I was left to my own form of grieving - respect for the family's wishes, and burying myself in poetry and wishful thinking. Ah, sometimes it is hard to be a good friend.

But yesterday was a pretty good day. Three of my aunts came to town and we had a grand family dinner with them. We chatted over some really yummy Korean food, and I felt so welcome and happy. I hadn't seen them in a while and it was great to do some catching up. Sometimes I forget about how warm and friendly my relatives actually are. It really feels like family when they're around - one big happy (and noisy) family! My aunts have notoriously loud and cackling laughs, and they laughed a lot! I was relieved that we were tucked away in a corner of the restaurant in our own room with a semi-closed door :)

There will be some more family dinners coming up to celebrate Chinese New Year and I'm looking forward to them. I'll get to see my 91 year old grandmother (I can only hope to live as long and as healthfully as her!) and my uncle who used to live in our house when I was little. I think it will be a good time of eating and sharing stories.

I wish you all a wonderful weekend, filled with happy times spent with family. Whether you're grieving, missing someone, or perfectly happy, time with family is a blessing.

What Does A Mother Say?

You called me to your side that night
What did you want to say?
I didn't hear you calling
Though I dreamed you said goodbye.

Did you want to say you loved me?
Did you want to say, "Take care!"

What does a mother say to her child
Before she goes away?
What does she say?

What does a mother say to her child
the night before she's gone?
Does she tell him all her worries about his life
About not being able to watch him grow?
Does she ask about his loved one
And about his plans for life?
Does she say she's sorry for leaving
That she didn't want to go?
Or does she just want to see his face?
To see her baby now a man.
To know that he's okay; she did good.
What does a mother say?

What do you tell your child
When you can't live forever?
When God calls your name
And you can't say no.
What do you say?

How do you tell them you love them
And you'll always be there?
Maybe not in person
But always there in heart.
How do you say it when you're already gone
And they're standing by your grave?
You watch them place the flowers.
You watch them shed their tears.

What does a mother say to her child
When life is over and death is come?
What does she say? (Goodbye, goodbye.)

What does a mother say?

--Marie Tai

I Will Remember

(This is a poem in memory of my friend's mother who passed away this Saturday. My heart goes out to their family.)

I will remember all of the times you cooked for me.
I will remember all of the times you showed love to me.

All of the moments that you sacrificed,
All of the times you worked over time,
All of the moments I'll never have with you,
I will remember.

I will regret all the times I should have told you I loved you.
I will think hard and blink back the tears I should have shed for you.

All of the times that you washed my clothes,
All of the times that you held me close,
The way that you looked when I made you proud and you smiled,
I will remember.

Mother, you made me, you loved me, and I loved you too
Mother, I wished I had made you prouder and taken better care of you

All of the times you rocked me to sleep,
All of the times you taught to me to live,
The way that I'll miss you now that you're gone- I miss you, Mom-
I will remember.

--Marie Tai

You're Gone

You grew frail.
You stopped to eat.
You told me that your life was over; you were beat.

I beat my chest.
I pulled my hair.
I told you life was not worth living if you weren't there.

You closed your eyes
Like in your sleep
You murmured words to me that in my dreams I'd keep

Close to my heart.
I'd not forget
The day I'd set my eyes on you, the day we met.

But then you left
And didn't turn back
Death came.

Opened eyes
Took breathe
Died

Left me empty inside.

And now no one can heal me except you.
And you're gone.

--Marie Tai